When a child cries for attention, one common piece of advice has been to ignore it. But ignoring alone doesn’t teach a child what to do instead, and that’s the gap. A 5-step ABA-informed approach helps parents respond in a way that gradually builds the child’s ability to tolerate waiting, communicate needs, and self-regulate, without reinforcing the behavior they’re trying to reduce.
You’ve probably heard it before: just ignore the crying and it’ll stop. And there’s some behavioral science behind that idea. When you stop giving attention to attention-seeking behavior, the behavior loses its payoff and, eventually, fades out.
But here’s what that advice leaves out: ignoring only works if the child already knows a better way to get what they need. If they don’t, you’re not solving the problem. You’re just waiting it out.
“Even when it’s attention-seeking [behavior], ignoring can’t be the only answer because we haven’t taught them what else to do,” says Jamie Waldvogel, BCBA, of Behave Your Best and creator of Pretend You Are a Light Switch®, a trademarked parenting method she developed for responding to unwanted behaviors without escalating the child further. Her approach gives parents a concrete, step-by-step way to address the root cause rather than just the symptom.
Here’s how it works.
Step 1: Approach Silently
When a child is in the middle of a meltdown, your words probably aren’t reaching them. According to studies on emotional regulation and language processing in children under stress, such as those summarized in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, a child’s ability to hear and process language is significantly reduced during moments of intense emotional distress. So talking, even calmly, can actually make things worse.
Instead, approach quietly and with a neutral expression. No lectures, no “you’re okay,” no “stop crying.” Just presence.
Step 2: Wait for the Right Moment
This is where the behavioral piece really comes in. Picking up a crying child the instant they start screaming teaches them that crying = being picked up. The goal is to flip that association.
Here’s what that looks like in practice: Dad crouches down to eye level, hands ready, looking at his daughter expectantly. The moment she takes a breath and pauses, he picks her up. That’s the moment he’s reinforcing: the quiet, not the crying.
“The next time, he’s bought himself a couple of seconds of quiet before he picks her up,” Waldvogel explains. Over time, he can extend that window. The child starts to associate calm with connection, not tears.
One thing to be ready for: behavior often gets louder before it gets better. This is called an extinction burst, a temporary increase in behavior frequency or intensity when reinforcement is removed, as defined in applied behavior analysis. When a strategy that used to work stops working, kids tend to escalate before they give up on it. That’s normal. Stay the course.
Step 3: Redirect Attention
Sometimes the goal isn’t to teach waiting. It’s to teach the child that there are other ways to feel okay without Mom or Dad right there.
So instead of picking up his daughter, Dad might walk calmly into the living room where her toys are. More often than not, she’ll follow. She starts playing. He slips back to the kitchen. Situation diffused.
This doesn’t fix the underlying issue in the long term, but it gives you a tool for moments when de-escalation matters more than teaching. Think of it as buying time while you work on the bigger picture.
Step 4: Do an Assessment
Now comes the question most parents don’t think to ask: what skill is actually missing here?
It’s easy to assume a crying child wants attention. But that might not be the whole story. Does she need to learn to tolerate being told “no”? Does she need a way to signal when she genuinely needs help? Does she struggle with transitioning between activities on her own?
Working with a BCBA to conduct a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) can be genuinely useful at this stage. An FBA helps identify likely functions of behavior, such as attention, escape, access to tangibles, or sensory needs, guiding more targeted intervention. In the example of Waldvogel’s client, Grace, it looked like attention-seeking at first. But as they observed Grace across the day, it became clear her core deficit was tolerating denials. That’s a very different thing to teach.
Step 5: Teach the Alternative Behavior
This is the step that actually changes things in the long term.
At a calm moment, not during or right after a meltdown, the parent proactively practices the skill the child needs. For Grace, that meant teaching her to hear “no” without melting down.
Dad would say, “At some point during our playing, I’m going to say ‘no’ to you. When I do, I need you to say ‘OK, Daddy!’ And guess what, I’ll still give you what you want.” Over time, he’d build in short delays. Then longer ones. Eventually, “not right now, go play with your blocks for a few minutes” became something Grace could handle.
The teaching happens during play, when both parent and child are regulated and connected. That’s what makes it stick.
If your child has autism or another developmental disorder, this kind of skill transfer may take longer and need more support. But it can be done, and having a BCBA guide the process makes a real difference.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my child’s crying gets worse before it gets better?
That’s actually expected. When a behavior stops getting the response it used to get, kids often escalate before backing down. This is called an extinction burst, a temporary increase in behavior frequency or intensity when reinforcement is removed. It doesn’t mean the approach isn’t working. Stay consistent, and the behavior typically decreases over time.
Can this approach work for children without autism?
The 5-step approach is rooted in ABA principles, and though research is strongest in populations with developmental delays, many of the principles are generalizable. While kids with autism or other developmental differences may need more support and practice time, the core strategy of responding to calm rather than to crying and proactively teaching a replacement behavior applies broadly.
When should I involve a professional?
If you’re not sure which skill your child is missing, or if the behavior is intense, frequent, or worsening despite your efforts, a BCBA can help. An FBA helps identify likely functions of behavior, such as attention, escape, access to tangibles, or sensory needs, so the teaching plan actually targets the right thing.
Do I have to ignore my child to make this work?
Not exactly. Ignoring alone doesn’t teach anything. This approach asks you to respond, just strategically. You’re waiting for a moment of calm before providing comfort, redirecting rather than reacting, and teaching the replacement skill separately from the meltdown itself.
What’s a replacement behavior?
It’s the behavior you want your child to do instead of the problem behavior. For a child who cries to be picked up, the replacement might be walking to a parent and raising their arms, or saying “up please.” The goal is to give the child a way to communicate that works, so they don’t need to resort to crying.
Key Takeaways
- Ignoring alone doesn’t work because it doesn’t teach the child what to do instead. The goal is to respond to calm, not to crying.
- Start by approaching silently and waiting for a natural pause before providing comfort. That pause is what you’re reinforcing.
- Expect an extinction burst, a temporary increase in behavior frequency or intensity when reinforcement is removed. That’s part of the process, not a sign you’re doing it wrong.
- An FBA can identify likely functions of behavior, such as attention, escape, or sensory needs, making your teaching plan far more targeted and effective.
- The real change happens during calm teaching moments, not in the middle of a meltdown. Proactive practice is what builds the skill.
Ready to learn more about ABA and how it can support your child’s development? Explore programs from ABA-focused schools.
